Yeah....but how long have they been with you?

Now that we have two children, we seem to attract a lot of attention when we go out in public. Maybe it is because my kids are so adorable, everyone wants to get a good look at them! I think that is partly true (you have to admit they are cute!). I believe the other reason is that people are curious about the fact that we are a transracial family. I can see their eyes shift back and forth from my face to my children's faces. They are curious.

We get a lot of "adoption" questions. It is really hard to determine if a person is actually interested in adoption, or just being nosy. I honestly don't mind talking about the process, mainly because it was such a beautiful, positive experience for us (well mostly....the waiting was torture!).

On occasion I have found myself in a position to talk about attachment and adjustment related to adoption. Although my children arrived young, I strongly believe that they have endured a significant amount of loss and separation in their lives. Although they may not consciously recall all the details, their early experiences have shaped them and contributed to their view of the world.

In many, many ways the Korean program is the "ideal" international adoption program. They utilize foster care and have excellent medical care. Nonetheless, both of my children transitioned from their birth mothers, to multiple caregivers at Eastern Babies Home, to their foster families, to escorts, and finally home to us. That is a lot of change for such little people.

So, whenever I dare mention that my children have experienced significant loss that may impact them throughout their lives, I am thoroughly frustrated when people respond, "Yeah...but how long have they been with you?" It is like suggesting a few months or a few years can erase the early part of their lives. It can't.

These early losses will always be part of them and part of their lives. I can't change that for them. I can hope to love them and nurture them in a way that will help them work through those difficult feelings. I can try to be understanding that they react strongly to what most might consider "typical" childhood transitions and changes. I can just be there for them....always.