Declining Rates of International Adoption

When families gather for the holidays, it is naturally a time of rejoicing and giving thanks. As my father watched my children play, he remarked he recently read an article about the dramatic decline in the number of international adoptions. Both of my children were adopted from South Korea. Last year only 736 children were adopted internationally from South Korea (Foreign Adoptions by Americans Plunge Again, David Crary, 2011). I said that this trend makes my children even more special. He said that nothing “extra” is needed – my children are special just because of who they are.

Everyday I am thankful for my children. Watching the declining numbers of international adoption evokes very complicated feelings in me. I applaud countries for stepping in and addressing the terrible abuses in international adoption. I am strongly in favor of countries developing the systems to care for, and protect, children born into difficult circumstances. Domestic adoption and remaining within their culture are ideal for children and families.

My concern is that “reality” has not caught up with the “ideal.” While many countries have been working diligently to change the culture and promote domestic adoption, the reality is that the numbers of children in need have outpaced the social reform. For example, in South Korea, it is reported, “Out of 8,590 children in need of protective care in 2010, 55.9% of them are under facility-based protection (4,842 children) while 44.1% are being protected under family care (3,748 including foster care, child-headed family, adoption, etc.) (Ministry of Health and Welfare Press Release, 11-18-2011). While these numbers are heartbreaking, South Korea is fortunate to have a pre-existing and long-established foster care system. Many countries who participate in international adoption utilize orphanages as their primary means for caring for children in need.

My children have information in their health backgrounds and social histories that might be viewed with concern by some people (although they were not issues for us). At the current time, the relatively small number of Korean couples who are interested in adopting domestically are more apt to chose babies without special needs or significant social histories. Given the current social climate and attitudes toward adoption in Korea and many other countries, it is very possible that my children would have been among those children who ended up in “facility-based protection.” My beautiful, intelligent, loving, and joyful children may not have grown up in a family.

I realize I am on a “slippery slope,” in that my last statement could be interpreted as “adoptive parents as saviors.”  My children saved me, not the other way around. Critics of international adoption often point out that within the United States we have many children available through foster care and domestic adoption. In building our family we already suffered great loss and heartache. We couldn’t face the laws or uncertainty of attempting to adopt domestically. For us, domestic adoption was not an option. We also were honest with ourselves, as first time parents we were not prepared to address the challenges of older, often traumatized children within the foster care system.

In short, international adoption is a good, humane option for some children and families. In an ideal world, all countries would have the resources and social structure to support their children in need. The Hague Convention is a start, in that it calls out into the open the abuses and need for reform within international adoption. Much work needs to be done, but abruptly ending the practice of international adoption prior to these reforms will result in many children growing up without families. That seems like a huge price to pay for rushing.

Mess....blessed!

I love white boards and bulletin boards. Although they do not add to my home's "fashion appeal," they help improve my sanity. I need to see (and be reminded) of my to-do lists, unpaid bills, and the other important papers that always seem to get lost in the shuffle. An attempt to organize the chaos of our lives.

This board in the kitchen also holds other treasures. Crayon masterpieces, paper pumpkins, pictures, cards, and birthday announcements. While dreaming of having children, this is one of the things I envisioned. A home decorated with children's artwork and school papers. Since this is near our kitchen table, we often look at and talk about the projects while we eat. Although my BG is still on the quiet side, she is so very proud when she points to something and says, "Look! Mama! School!." When I look at this wall I feel so thankful to be a Mommy.

Preschool

I have posted in the past about BB's school experiences. Things started off rough at the daycare we were at, but improved when he entered the YMCA program. We kind of held our breath to see what this year would bring!

Less than a year ago, we saw the stress our baby boy was feeling at the daycare setting. During two "fun" events, Thanksgiving and Christmas, he was anxious about participating in the events. He clung to me, cried, and wouldn't sing the songs with his class. It broke our hearts. He was too young. He just wasn't ready for those events. In fact, the majority of things in the classroom were well beyond his developmental levels. His behavior was interpreted as "naughty" and we got reports like, "Today was worse than usual." He may not remember these events, but I fear DH and I were traumatized!

Last night Jacob had an event called "Donuts and Dads" at his new preschool. He was so excited! At home he has been singing all the songs, and talking nonstop about the event. DH was able to take videos and pictures. There was my little boy - happy, participating, and thoroughly enjoying himself. It brought tears to my eyes. At home we see how happy he is - he comes home talking about the activities they did and his friends.

Earlier in the week I was able to talk to his teacher over the phone. She feels he is doing very well and adjusting fine to the classroom. He still gets his services, and not everyday is perfect, but the the things they are seeing are generally typical of other children his age. She emphasized several times that he is one of the youngest children in the classroom. DH and I are so relieved that they understand, and recognize, where he is chronologically and developmentally as compared to the older children in the classroom. They are positive about him and enjoy his antics.We are thankful he still gets services and couldn't be more pleased with his current service providers.

The future will happen as it will, and no one can predict what the future will hold for BB, but we are so happy and pleased that for this moment in time he loves school!!!!

Too Much Stuff

I am a complicated person (sometimes!). I love to shop, but I hate stuff. As I look around my small house, I am overwhelmed by the amount of unneeded stuff we have accumulated. I feel closed in and crushed, especially as I contemplate cold weather and staying inside to play.

Just about the only time infertility still makes me really mad, is when I consider my house. DH and I bought it as a "starter home." We figured that by the time we were planning for a second child, we would be ready to move onto something larger and with a better lay out.

It took us many, many years longer to build our family than we expected it would take (although it was well worth the wait). In addition, we spent ALL our savings on fertility treatments and adoption. Such was life. Even though it was difficult, I don't regret the path that our lives took.

I do regret this quirky little Cape Cod. There is nothing we can do about it right now. We tried to sell it about a year ago, but that didn't work out. Funds are depleted and will take a few years to build back up.

So, in the meantime, I am trying to be thankful that we have beautiful children, enough money to pay the bills, and a roof over our heads. Sometimes it is difficult to be thankful, when all I can notice is the crowded rooms and mismatched counter tops. One step I have taken to make life here more enjoyable, is a radical purging of unnecessary stuff. It feels good - out with the old, and in with the new (attitude!).

A Painful Moment

Yesterday I took the kids to a farm market. This market has animals, a jumping "pillow," and a playground. The kids had a great time and thoroughly wore themselves out! We laughed a lot and enjoyed being outside in the nice weather.

As I watched them climbing on the playground, I was struck with a moment of pain. No matter how much DH and I love them and fill their lives with happiness, at some point they are going to feel the loss of their birth parents and culture. All children react differently. I am sure there are some children/adults who were adopted who just accept the past and move forward. Yet, from what I have read and experienced, most adopted children and adults go through periods of time when the loss and grieving comes to the forefront.

Learning to cope with emotional pain is something all healthy people have to learn to do. I know this. As a mother, I want to protect them from it. But, I know it would not be productive to bury their pain or pretend it does not exist. We will be there to support them. Nonetheless, it may be hard to watch it unfold in whatever way it unfolds for each of my children.

Along with these occasional "painful" moments, comes thoughts of BB and BG's birth mothers. I am often struck, at various times during the day, with the desire to show them how wonderful their children are. I wish I could invite them into our lives to see how amazing they are. This is something I know is different from those families who have biological children. Their birth parents are another presence in our lives, always with me.

Chuseok - September 12, 2011

Chuseok is by far the biggest and most important holiday in Korea. It is a time when family members from near and far come together to share food and stories and to give thanks to their ancestors for the abundant harvest.

This year, this representative Korean holiday falls on September 12th (of the solar calendar), but holiday celebrations run for three days, from September 11th to the 13th. For internationals located in the major cities, Chuseok is the prime opportunity to go sightseeing, since many native Koreans return to their hometowns in the countryside, leaving the city attractions relatively crowd-free.

Let’s take a closer look at what Chuseok means and what it represents to Koreans everywhere.

Chuseok (Hangawi)
Chuseok is one of Korea’s three major holidays, along with Seollal (New Year’s Day) and Dano (the 5th day of the 5th month of the year according to the lunar calendar) and is also referred to as Hangawi, which means the ides of August (August 15th according to the lunar calendar).

Hangawi/Chuseok was the day on which Koreans, an agrarian people throughout most of history, thanked their ancestors for the year’s harvest and shared their abundance with family and friends. Although the exact origin of Chuseok is unclear, the tradition can be traced back to ancient religious practices that centered around the significance of the moon. The sun’s presence was considered routine, but the full moon that came once a month, brightening the dark night, was considered a special and meaningful event. Therefore, festivities took place on the day of the largest full moon, August 15th of the lunar calendar, which became one of the most important days of celebration throughout Korea to this day.

Chuseok Customs
On the morning of Chuseok Day, Songpyeon (a type of Korean rice cake) and food prepared with the year’s fresh harvest are set out to give thanks to ancestors through Charye (ancestor memorial service). After Charye, families visit their ancestors’ graves and engage in Beolcho, the ritual clearing of the weeds that may have grown up over the burial mound. After dusk, families and friends take walks and gaze at the beauty of the full harvest moon or play folk games such as Ganggangsullae (Korean circle dance).

Charye (ancestor memorial services)
On Chuseok morning, family members gather at their homes to hold memorial services (called Charye) in honor of their ancestors. Formal Charye services are held twice a year during Seollal (New Year’s Day) and Chuseok. The difference between the two services is that during Seollal the major representative food is white Tteokguk, a rice cake soup, while during Chuseok the major representative food is freshly harvested rice. After the service, the family members sit down together at the table to enjoy delicious food that symbolizes their blessings.

Beolcho (clearing the weeds around the grave) and Seongmyo (visiting ancestral graves)
Visiting ancestral graves during Chuseok is known as Seongmyo and during this visit, family members remove the weeds that have grown around the graves in the summer season. Taking care of the ancestral graves and clearing the weeds is called Beolcho. This custom is considered a duty and expression of devotion and respect for one’s family. On the weekends, about one month prior to the Chuseok holidays, Korea’s highways become extremely congested with families visiting their ancestral graves to fulfill their familial duties. The graves are then visited again during Chuseok.

Ssireum (Korean wrestling)
Traditionally, during the Chuseok holidays the strongest people in each village would gather together to hold wrestling competitions. During the match, two competitors would face each other in a circular sandpit and were surrounded on all sides by spectators. The last wrestler standing after the series of competitions was considered the winner and was acknowledged as the villager’s strongest man, taking home cotton, rice, or a calf as his prize. Today, Ssireum (Korean wrestling) competitions are held around the time of Chuseok to determine the strongest man in Korea, but are not as big a part of the celebrations as they once were.

Ganggangsullae (Korean circle dance)
Back in the olden days, women dressed in Hanbok (traditional Korean clothing) would join hands in a circle and sing together. The dance dates back to the Joseon Dynasty (1392-1910) during the Japanese invasion when the Korean army dressed the young women of the village in military uniforms and had them circle the mountains to make the Japanese think the Korean military was greater in number than it actually was. The Koreans were eventually able to defeat the Japanese, thanks in part to this scare tactic.

Chuseokbim (Chuseok dress)
Traditionally, as part of Chuseok, the head of the household would buy new clothes for everyone in the house, including the servants. This custom is known as Chuseokbim and is still practiced today, but has been modernized with most families purchasing clothes from department stores and boutiques instead of exchanging Hanbok.

Chuseok Food
Chuseok celebrates the rich harvest season when fruit and grain are abundant. With the newly harvested grains, people make steamed rice, rice cake, and liquor.

Songpyeon
Songpyeon is one of the representative foods of Chuseok. This rice cake is prepared with rice or non-glutinous rice powder that is kneaded into the perfect size (a little smaller than a golf ball) then filled with sesame seeds, beans, red beans, chestnuts, and a host of other nutritious ingredients. When steaming the songpyeon, the rice cakes are layered with pine needles, adding the delightful fragrance of pine. On the eve of Chuseok, the entire family gathers together to make songpyeon under the bright moon. There is an old Korean saying that says that the person who makes the most beautiful songpyeon will meet a good-looking spouse so, all the single of the single members of the family try their best to make the finest looking songpyeon!

Liquors
Another major element of Chuseok is traditional liquor, called Baekju (white wine). The holidays are a time of thankfulness and generosity and drinking is a way in which many Koreans show their generosity and bond with their fellow countrymen.

For more information about Korean holidays, visit the Official Korea Tourism Organization Website.

September - Arrival Days!

Prayer for a Birth Mother, from an Adoptive Mother
 
Loving God, how can I thank you for the generous woman who gave us her child? Our years of sorrow and emptiness ended with a phone call and a new child in our home. We rejoiced in the utter happiness that this birth mother - and her child - gave us then. We have received so much joy over the years.


We think of this special mother, Lord, this generous woman who bore our child. The one who went through the discomfort of pregnancy and the pains of birth - only to hand her child over to someone else to love and care for.


Please, God, bless the life of this incredibly noble woman. She gave me the great gift of motherhood, and I can imagine the cost to her: an empty spot in her own heart where this child we somehow share, will always abide.


Bless her life, dear Lord. Give her an abundance of happiness and love and family. Please let her feel the prayers we have for him and her on their special days. I think of her with reverence and love and
inexpressible gratitude.

September is a very special month for our family. BB and BG will both celebrate Airplane Day (Arrival Day, Family Day, Together Day...families call it lots of different things) in September. It is a special holiday day known only to those families created through adoption. It is the day we tell the story of their arrivals over and over again. We re-live the first poopy diaper on the airplane and the mini-hurricane that delayed our flight back home. It is a day we celebrate how we came to be a family, and to remember the birth mothers and fathers who made our family a reality.