Doing OK....

It is a weird time of year to be feeling like we are beginning something new. It is not a holiday or significant event that is making me feel this way. It is merely feeling that we are going to be OK! Actually, more than OK.

I often find myself wondering why things feel so disorganized and chaotic. Then I remember that we have "doubled" our family in two years! We have gone from being a couple to a family of 4! No wonder I am so tired. The laundry alone has been enough to keep me busy.

Bringing BG home made us complete, but we all went through a lot of big transitions. She was so sick in the beginning that we had a hard time figuring out our new routines. BB also had some issues with adjusting to being a big brother, and learning what preschool was all about. As a Mommy, I was working very hard to figure out how to do meals, bedtime, and public outings with two young children!

BG is healthy and doing wonderfully! She still is on the quiet side, but we are really enjoying her enthusiastic greetings (Hi Mama! Hi Dada!). BB had a great last couple months of school. He loved his new program. We also adjusted his diet, which seemed to make a huge difference in his sleeping and behavior (for the better!).

This week have successfully gone on a few new adventures. My confidence is increasing and I am really feeling that our family has come together.  We have new routines and new ways of doing things. Of course not each day is perfect, but on the whole we are having many more good days than rough days.

We are doing much better than OK!

"I pray I never forget that I became a mother through the broken heart of another. " - Jill Catlett 

Poem

You gave her birth
We'll give her life
You gave her todays
We'll give her tomorrows

You gave her race
We'll give her identity
You gave her heritage
We'll give her future

You gave her possibilities
We'll give her potentials
You gave her up
We'll have to let go

You dream of her future
We'll work hard for your dreams to come true
You gave her hope
We will too.

Tom Fisher -

Flowers From My Baby

Yesterday we attended a birthday party. BB, and most of the other children, went into the woods and picked flowers. He brought me a pile of leaves, vines, and flowers. He told me they were a present.

Later he told me that the green leaves were for BG. The purple ones were for "love" and were for all of us. What a baby......

Bust a Myth

Myth: If you can’t get pregnant, you can “just adopt.” 

The other day my three-year old son said to me, "Remember, Mommy? When I was in your belly in Korea?" Uh-oh. He seems to have missed one of the key points in his adoption story. Both my children were born in South Korea. It appears I need to find another way to explain to him how he was born and how be came to be our much loved son!

As a woman who struggled to have a family, I cringe inside every time someone flippantly says, "You can just adopt." People seem to think that having biological children and adoption are "interchangeable" paths to becoming parents.

With my whole heart I believe that men and woman should pursue whatever means available to them to achieve their goal of becoming a loving family. What I challenge is the commonly held belief that parenting biological children is exactly the same as parenting adopted children.

Of course all children need love, basic necessities, discipline, affection, and safety. Both groups of children also have the same chances of growing up to be happy, functioning adults (some people wrongly assume all adoptees are dysfunctional). I could go on and on about how many aspects of raising adopted children is exactly the same as raising biological children (it is a struggle to get them to eat vegetables, brush their teeth, use a tissue...you get the point!). But I believe that families created through adoption have extra "layers" and dynamics that must be recognized.

If you are going to enter the wonderful, and life changing, world of adoption, you must be prepared in ways you never expected. It is impossible to name all the subtle ways that parenting adopted children is different, but here are a few:

• Get ready for tough questions and tough conversations. Unlike children who know for certain where they came from, children who were adopted have additional questions about identity, race, and the circumstances of their birth.
• Be prepared to love, and sometimes defend, your child's birth parents. Those around you, and maybe even yourself if you are being honest, may question the choices they made or how they lived their lives. You need to be able to admire and love them for giving you the greatest gift of your life.
• Be prepared to accept a culture or socio-economic status or religion or race or..or...or...the list goes on. Most likely your child's beginnings are not the same as yours. Embrace the differences and learn about them.
• Be prepared for the public. We are a transracial family, so people know right away how our family was formed. The curious stares, the nosy questions, the genuinely interested questions, the naive questions of other children, the ridiculous questions (Are they real brother and sister?).
• Be prepared for many unknowns. Having children is a total leap of faith, regardless of how they arrived. With my son and daughter I have little information on their prenatal lives, infancy, and medical histories. When we joyfully became their parents, we accepted all that came before them and all that is to come in the future.

Thump. Thump. That is the sound of me climbing off my soap box.  So many want to view "adoption" as a simple answer to infertility. It is not - it is a different type of parenting with different issues and different responsibilities. But it is just as rewarding, just as loving, and just as amazing as becoming a parent by any other means. The advice people give to "just adopt" does not take into account all the factors that must be recognized when seriously considering adoption.

My husband and I struggled with infertility for 4 years.We are now blessed with two beautiful children. To learn more about infertility and options to become parents, please visit http://www.resolve.org/infertility101. To learn more about the background of National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW): http://www.resolve.org/takecharge.
             

Amazing Changes

I should be in bed, but it is so hard to find a few minutes of time to sit down at the computer. BB has been gradually giving up his nap, so we decided to do away with it altogether. No nap certainly has its pros and cons!

These last 6 weeks or so BG has been healthy....and she has blossomed. I imagine that all parents go through this phase of  "discovering" the personalities of their children. For some reason, I think this process is different for those who become parents through adoption. Maybe it is because I know that BG and BB had a whole other life in Korea, one I don't know much about. I know that other life shaped and formed them, but I can only see evidence of it by watching who they become as they grow older. Maybe it is because my children came home at an older age, so this "unfolding" and revealing of their personalities was somewhat condensed into a shorter period of time. Their personalities were well on their way to being formed before I was blessed enough to hold them in my arms.

I really misjudged my daughter! As I have mentioned before, she was frequently ill the first 5 months she was home. She had 4 ear infections, tubes in her ears, and two hospitalizations for dehydration. She didn't really catch a break. Being sick, combined with the normal grieving and adjustment period, contributed to her being somewhat withdrawn and shy. She was not showing a lot of interest in talking. She was somewhat clingy and hesitant. Sleeping was difficult and we were all having a hard time developing a routine.

Well...that little girl is gone! Our BG is sassy, opinionated, bold, fearless, loud, and so much fun! She is constantly trying new words (usually shouted at the top of her lungs). She is a brave swimmer and climber. She still loves to read, but now slows down to name objects and look at the pictures. Most notably, she is stubborn and persistent. The other day she was told "no," so she dramatically left the room and noisily closed the door behind her (we are going to be in trouble when she is 16!). She can hold her own with her brother. She sings and can carry a tune, although she doesn't know the words. She throws balls (and forks, cups, bowls, blocks, etc.) like a champ. She has her own style of dancing, one that is completely unique. She loves animals and meows like a cat backwards ("woemmmmm").

Each day I feel that same excitement and anticipation that you feel on Christmas morning. I can't wait to see what new part of BG we will get to see that day. Adoption is an amazing journey, and our little BG is an amazing girl.

It's Too Loud!

Today BB told me that the baby monitor was too loud, the wind hurt his ears, and the sound the Wegman's cart was making on the tile floor was bothering him. He also cried at school because he was afraid he was going to have to go swimming and put his face under the water. He had difficulty settling down and sitting in one spot while we were reading bedtime books.

BB has some sensory differences. Sensory issues are often misunderstood. Many people don't believe they exist, or think that they are just "naughty behaviors." Other people think they are a result of bad parenting (Hey...can't you make that kid behave?!?).

In Raising a Sensory Smart Child, authors Linda Biel and Nancy Peske, describe sensory processing as "how people use the information provided by all the sensations coming from within the body and from external environments" (p. 12).  In people with sensory differences, everyday sounds, touches, smells, and movement can seem overwhelming at times. For BB, he tends to have more difficulty with these things when he is very tired or not feeling well.

One book I found talked about how children who were adopted may have higher rates of sensory processing difficulties. They have experienced many changes in caregivers. A primary caregiver is the one that (unknowingly) teachers a child how to calm/regulated themselves. The other thing that happens is that every time a child switches caregivers, they go through a period of grieving and regression. It takes a lot of energy to get through those transitions, so some areas of development may lag behind.

We are very lucky to have a pediatrician who recognizes the value in getting help with sensory differences. She referred us to an Occupational Therapist with experience in working with internationally adopted children. BB (and his parents!) are getting OT services through the Preschool Committee on Special Education.

We are learning a lot about ways to help him relax and feel calmer throughout the day. Luckily, maturity is a wonderful thing and many people "grow out of" or learn ways to cope with sensory differences. BB has not been sleeping well and has a cold, so today was a tough day for my baby boy. Tonight we made sure to give him some extra "bear hugs," squeezes, and "I love you's" before he went to bed.