Yeah....but how long have they been with you?

Now that we have two children, we seem to attract a lot of attention when we go out in public. Maybe it is because my kids are so adorable, everyone wants to get a good look at them! I think that is partly true (you have to admit they are cute!). I believe the other reason is that people are curious about the fact that we are a transracial family. I can see their eyes shift back and forth from my face to my children's faces. They are curious.

We get a lot of "adoption" questions. It is really hard to determine if a person is actually interested in adoption, or just being nosy. I honestly don't mind talking about the process, mainly because it was such a beautiful, positive experience for us (well mostly....the waiting was torture!).

On occasion I have found myself in a position to talk about attachment and adjustment related to adoption. Although my children arrived young, I strongly believe that they have endured a significant amount of loss and separation in their lives. Although they may not consciously recall all the details, their early experiences have shaped them and contributed to their view of the world.

In many, many ways the Korean program is the "ideal" international adoption program. They utilize foster care and have excellent medical care. Nonetheless, both of my children transitioned from their birth mothers, to multiple caregivers at Eastern Babies Home, to their foster families, to escorts, and finally home to us. That is a lot of change for such little people.

So, whenever I dare mention that my children have experienced significant loss that may impact them throughout their lives, I am thoroughly frustrated when people respond, "Yeah...but how long have they been with you?" It is like suggesting a few months or a few years can erase the early part of their lives. It can't.

These early losses will always be part of them and part of their lives. I can't change that for them. I can hope to love them and nurture them in a way that will help them work through those difficult feelings. I can try to be understanding that they react strongly to what most might consider "typical" childhood transitions and changes. I can just be there for them....always.

A Week in February

This has been a very strange week for me. First of all, I have the feeling of being on "February break." Being on break allows one to relax a bit, treat oneself, get a few tasks done....all that good stuff.  Unfortunately a "stay at home this year" Mom doesn't have a break. It has me all confused.

We could use a bit of a break. BG spent another couple of nights in the hospital last week for dehydration (again!). BB was recently evaluated and found to have sensory and social needs. Preschool has been difficult for all of us. A couple of weeks ago we decided to switch preschool programs. His previous classroom was not a good fit. I am happy to report that he is doing better in his new classroom. Each of these events could be blog posts of their own.

This week we learned of the loss of our adoption agency's director, CP. I only talked to CP on the phone a few times and met her three times at the annual picnic. Like many others, we are feeling her loss acutely. Not because we knew her well, but because she is one of the main people who helped us become a family.

I have been thinking a lot about how brief moments and brief interactions can change your life. In 2007 we went through an IVF cycle and got pregnant. We lost the baby at 9 and 1/2 weeks. We did not recover quickly from this loss. In December of 2007 we decided to try again, this time a frozen embryo cycle. I started the medications, although my heart was still heavy from our last attempt. We decided to travel down to Woodstock, NY for an infertility seminar that an author was giving. It was a disaster. Basically the woman told me I didn't have children because I didn't "want" it enough. One good thing that came out of the weekend was that we decided to cancel the cycle. We just were not ready yet.

The next day I attended a meeting at school. Our caseworker, MC, is also a school principal (she is a very busy person!). She was having a conversation with another administrator. She mentioned that there were 7 babies available for adoption through her agency. In an instant my life changed. We needed a baby and there were babies who needed families. I did not even know I was ready for adoption, until that moment. We were going to become parents and that was the route that was the meant for us.

We quickly completed the paperwork and homestudy. We got our first call from the agency. It was B., saying that CP wanted to talk to us! I knew from friends that a call like that meant that we had been matched with a baby. She was calling about our son. Each word and each bit of information she gave to me is burned forever into my mind. It was the same way with our daughter. Her words were repeated over and over in our minds during the months we spent waiting for our children to arrive.

This person matched us with our children. She helped bring us together and make us into a family. She somehow knew that we all belonged together. Like I said, CP was not someone I spoke to often or spent a lot of time with. Nonetheless, she was the sole person responsible for changing our lives for the better.  How do you ever thank a person for such a gift? We can never express our gratitude enough.

Brief moments in time and people who you hardly know can change your life forever. We are thankful for these moments and these people.

Ode to Poop....

Some poop is squishy,
Some poop is harder!
Sometimes the poopie,
Is nothing but water!

OK....poop humor is not usually my thing. But, after this week, we need to find humor in something! The epic diarrhea actually began about a month ago. November 8th BG started with a bout of diarrhea. The next day we had a routine doctor's appointment, only to find out she had a raging ear infection. It was her 3rd ear infection since she arrived. Unfortunately, we had to do another 10 day course of antibiotics. The antiobiotics made her diarrhea much, much worse. It lasted for the about 10 or 11 days. 

Just as BG was getting back to normal, BB was hit with a virus. He had terrible diarrhea and 1 episode (a memorable episode) of vomiting. It took him a little over a week to get fully better.

Just as BB was getting better....BG got the virus! She started with terrible diarrhea last Sunday night. It was awful! She was terribly uncomfortable (and so were we) all Monday and Tuesday. On Tuesday I called the doctor, but since she was still eating and drinking they did not think it was necessary to come in for an appointment.

On Wednesday of this week BG woke up EXTREMELY lethargic and sleepy. She was not herself at all. I made a doctor's appointment. Once they evaluated her, they decided we should take her into the Emergency Department at Strong for fluids. I made arrangements for my Mom to watch BB. 

We were admitted into the ED at noon. After they did blood work they determined that her potassium was low and she was very dehydrated. They decided to keep us overnight. The next day she continued to have difficulty, and was not drinking enough to keep herself hydrated. We stayed one more night, and by Friday she was doing much better. Thank goodness.

Today BG is nearly back to herself. She is eating and drinking well. She has returned to affectionately pestering her older brother. Order has been restored to our household! 

We are so lucky to be close to family. My parents and DH's parents watched Jacob, so we never had to bring him into the hospital. We didn't want him to catch another virus. It was difficult, but throughout the whole thing I was just thankful it was not worse. What BG had was highly treatable. I saw so many other families there who are not so lucky. I was also thankful that we have good insurance, a good pediatrician, and good medical care in our community.

So, hopefully "diarrhea month" is coming to a close. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the nights Husband and I have been awake changing messy diapers, pajamas, and sheets. Here's to firmer stools!

On the Mend....

BG went back to the doctor today. We had good news. Her ears are clearing up. Although she still has fluid in them, they are no longer infected. She tested negative for food allergies! BB's allergies kind of crept up and took us by surprise. Since she seemed to be having digestive upset, we thought we better get her tested as well. Hopefully the ear infections are done for the time being. At the end of the December we will be taking her to an ENT and to get her hearing checked.

Her language skills have been coming along! She signs "more," "hot," and every once in a while I see the sign for "cracker." She tries to imitate all of BB's funny noises and made-up words. She waves and says, "Bye-bye." She calls her bottle "Ba-Ba." It is so exciting to watch all this emerge. Every once in a while some other words slip out (meow, hot). She is starting to point at everything. DH and I think we saw/heard her point at Jacob the other day and say. "Stop!" I am not sure she was, but it was very funny nonetheless.

BB also has a cold. He stayed home from preschool on Tuesday. I was a very brave Mommy! I took both kids to the Hospital for Faith's blood work and then into DH's office to get a flu shot.

We are slowly building new routines and new ways of doing things. BB has struggled sharing his parents, sharing his space, and sharing his toys. Most siblings do not arrive as active, demanding toddlers! Yesterday BG was crying. He offered her his blanket, his stuffed animal, and patted her tummy. He then asked if he could pick her up. BB weighs about 29 lbs. and BG is almost 26 lbs.! I said that he could sit in the rocking chair and hold her on his lap. He did that and then tried to wipe her tears with a tissue. Not every moment is so "Hallmark," but he is making steady improvements in terms of accepting that she is here to stay (and that she might be a little bit fun as well!).

Mother Guilt

This parenting thing comes with a great amount of joy....and a great amount of guilt. It is so hard to know you are making the right decisions for your children. Most of the time I feel pretty good, but then I do something so ridiculous that it makes me question everything!

A while back I (innocently) e-mailed the newspaper. They were looking for local stories. We were very excited because BG had just arrived. It sounded like a good, happy story to me. Well...this has turned out to much more of an article than we expected. Unfortunately, the reporter seems to be having difficulty grasping much of what we are explaining. So...I apologize in advance to all my friends touched by the pain of infertility and the joy of adoption. We are unsure about how those topics are going to be portrayed in the article.

But, I digress. For the article, they sent a photographer to our home to take pictures. BB LOVED it...and the photographer loved him. She ended up posting a picture of him on a blog and writing a little description of his enthusiasm and "question asking" abilities. Fueled by this fun experience, and by seeing the gorgeous pictures of my sweet boy, I decided to e-mail some pictures of him to a modeling agency.

Within a day they contacted us and invited us to take BB to an audition for a Hasbro product. I took him into a marketing/photography studio in the city. Once again, BB had a wonderful time meeting new people and getting his picture taken. We were excited when they contacted us a few days later to tell us that Hasbro selected him to come in and do a photo shoot.

We went back to the studio. At first it was a lot of fun. BB got to wear new clothes (and new shoes...his favorite!). The product was a stuffed Elmo. The people made him laugh and he made them laugh. After a while, someone made the decision that the shirt he had on was too big for him. They had me change his shirt, and basically started the shoot all over again.

This is the point my little boy became overwhelmed. He started to cry and ask to sit on my lap. Unfortunately, apparently parents are supposed to not talk during the picture taking. Every word of comfort and encouragement I gave him, was greeted with evil looks and reminders that I was not helping. I was not helping!!! I am his mother and it was me that he wanted.

I did not do right by my baby. A couple of times they wanted me to comfort him and then bring him back for more pictures. At one point they asked me to step out of sight because they felt he would do better without me there! Obviously, he didn't do better at all.

I should have put on his coat and packed him into the car at that very moment. I so wish I had. I feel like I let him down. Nothing of that nature is worth making him feel bad. I did my best to explain to them that he needed me, and I needed to be there for him. I think it all went right past them.

Will we do this again? I don't think so. Maybe it was just the personalities involved, or the fact that it was his first time. Nevertheless, this does not seem like a good path for us. I think we will stick to taking pictures with my Cannon point and shoot.

Ear Infections

I took BG to the doctor yesterday for a routine visit. She needed the flu booster shot. Since she had an ear infection 3 weeks ago, the doctor checked her ears. She was amazed to find that she still has significant infection/pus in her ears! I couldn't believe it. She has been happy and doing very well.

It may be that BG has had fluid/infection in her ears since she arrived. Although I think she is adjusting and learning new things extremely well, I have noticed that her understanding of the English language has not been developing as quickly as I thought it would. It is very possible that she has not been hearing well at all. Poor, poor baby!

We are trying one more round of antibiotics. We go back to get things checked out next week. By the end of the December we will be taking her to get her hearing checked. We just want to make sure things continue to go well for her! Although we adore her exactly as she is now, I am looking forward to getting to know my daughter when she is feeling healthy!

Sleep Little One

In Korea, children usually sleep on the floor with their parents. The family sleeps on a mat called a "futon." Both my children slept this way with their foster families. BG's pre-flight report said that she slept with her foster mother and was a very light sleeper.

Since BG has come home, DH and I been sleeping with her on an air mattress on our floor. We did this with BB as well. After about a month, my independent little boy started to let us know that he had enough of that arrangement. We were able to lay down with him on our bed until he fell asleep. Then we transferred him into a pack-n-play, and eventually into a crib in his own room.

BG is a whole different story! She is a sweet little cuddle! She reaches out for us throughout the night, checking to make sure that we are still there. Co-sleeping is also excellent for bonding. As we go through the bonding process, BG needs to learn that we are right there ready to meet her every need. As shared with us in the report, she does wakes up VERY easily. Letting her fall asleep and then moving her is near impossible.

Since she seems to be adjusting well and we feel she is really bonding with us, we are making a move to more independence with her sleeping. I love to snuggle with her, but I am not a huge fan of air mattresses! This week we got her a "toddler" air mattress (travel bed). We think if we can get her comfortable sleeping on her own, without touching anyone, then we can eventually work on getting her used to the crib.

As I think about the "sleep issues" that both my children have from time to time, I am struck by how strange our culture is that we expect little children to sleep in their own room by themselves. I sleep so much better knowing that my husband is in my bed, close by me. We are social creatures! As we have these periods of sleep difficulties, I am going to try to keep this in mind. My children are only doing what comes naturally to them! We all like to snuggle down at night with the ones we love.