Horses

I liked horses growing up, but I was never "horse crazy." The only time I ever rode was during my one week stay at Pinewood Girl Scout Camp. I was always interested in learning more about riding and taking care of horses. On one of our trips to the Adirondacks I convinced DH to go on a trail ride with me. That one ride changed my life!

I came home and convinced my Mom to take lessons with me. We found a barn that offered Western lessons. We both tend to be passionate people, and within a few weeks we were totally hooked. We rode whenever we could and spent hours and hours hanging around the barn learning whatever they would teach us. A few months later, my Mom and I purchased a beautiful quarter horse mare. The sweetest horse on earth!

The other big event going on in my life at that time was infertility. We were at the height of the treatments, appointments, and medical procedures. Horses filled an enormous need for me. Learning to ride filled my head with something other than anxiety about the future. It was new, exciting, and it took and lot of energy and focus. It allowed me to make new friends, all horse lovers themselves. I could finally go somewhere where I had a lot in common with others, and could readily join in the conversation. Almost everyone I knew had children, so it was often difficult for me to fully participate in conversations related to having a family.

Horse are also very emotional animals. They have moods and ways they let you know what they are thinking! They take a lot of nurturing and care. Since I didn't have children, I was able to pour myself into loving and taking care of them.

Since BB and BG have arrived, I have not had the time to spend with the horses that I used to. I don't regret this at all, but I miss them. When my children are older, and if they are interested, I look forward to sharing horses with them. On Wednesday I rode for the first time in over a year. The love of horses and the feelings I had for them came rushing back.

Although I don't have the same needs I had a few years ago, I realized that horses are still very, very important to me. Since becoming a mother (and this is true for DH as well), I have not had the time or energy to do much in the way of "me" activities. I expected that this would happen. We have a different life now, a very good one. Yet, I am learning I need some balance. I need to occupy my brain with thoughts that go beyond child development, meals, and laundry. That is not healthy, for me or my children. It is easy to get caught up in the more mundane details of life, and forgot about learning and growing as a person. Finding balance is very hard, but it will ultimately help me become a better Mommy. Learning to ride again, and connect with horses, will be a welcome challenge for me.

Stay "posted" (which would be a funny joke if I rode English!).

Up Since 5AM

I got up MUCH earlier than I care to today! For once it wasn't because of my children's sleep patterns. On that front we are actually doing much better. Both BB and BG have been sleeping peacefully all through the night for the last week or so. Before I rejoice, I am waiting to see if it continues! I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep because I was worrying about safety.

As my children grow older, and are spending some time away from me, privacy and safety has been on my mind a lot. I love writing about them on FB and blogging, but the truth is putting too much out in public can be dangerous. When I first started BB's blog, I had it password protected and only invited close friends. As I started to use social media more often, I loosened up. Not that I believe my blog has a wide readership, but it is possible that people I don't know could stumble across it.

I am tightening up again, although I realize that if someone with ill intentions is intent on finding out more about me and my family they can get around false names and abbreviations. Nonetheless, my son will now be known as BB (Baby Boy) and my daughter will be known as BG (Baby Girl). Although they are not babies, that is how I will always think of them! It is often what I call them. My husband will be "DH" for Dear Husband. This is something I should have done long ago. In time I will also change the content of the other blogs I have done.

Brothers at Easter

Last week was our local Korean Camp. They have a three year old program, the Tiger Tots. BB attended for two half days. He absolutely loved it. They made bookmarks with their Korean names on them, prepared bibimbop, rolled kimbop, and sang Korean songs. He was able to hear traditional Korean drumming, see a martial arts demonstration, and watch a dragon dance. He has been talking about it ever since. He is already getting prepared to go to the "Bunny" room next year and keeps asking me when it will be time to go again.

Last week was also an informal gathering at my house and the our adoption agency's picnic. We spent most of the week with other families created through adoption and Korean adoptees.

Although we talk about adoption and Korea all the time, I have never been that sure BB has even a basic (developmentally appropriate) understanding of what it all means. We frequently tell his adoption story, from the decision his birth mother made to his first hours at home. Up until last week, he never asked many questions or made many comments related to his adoption story.

On the way home from a family event on Sunday, out of the blue, he asked if he had "brothers at Easter." It took me a minute to figure out the question. He knows he had brothers at his foster parent's house. He wanted to know if he had brothers at Eastern Babies Home. That night we looked at the pictures in the book "When You Were born in Korea" by Brian Boyd and Steve Wunrow.  He told me that the babies in the book were him. He wanted to know if they had toys there. He made a plan to visit them and bring them "BG's milk."  At one point he said he was going to pretend I was his birth mother. When I explained that his birth mother lives in Korea, he said he just wanted to pretend. A little later in the week BB asked me if one of his classmates is Korean (she is, and she is not adopted).

Even though he is only 3 and 1/2, I am amazed to witness the emerging understanding of his life story. He definitely does not understand all parts of it yet, but these questions tell me that he is starting to wonder about these aspects of his life. I hope that I do the right thing, in the right way, for both my children. They will each process these questions differently, and have different needs, as they go through the process of understanding where they came from and who they are. Everyday I pray I am able to tell their story, and answer their questions, in a way that helps them understand the happy and sad parts of the journey they are on.

Doing OK....

It is a weird time of year to be feeling like we are beginning something new. It is not a holiday or significant event that is making me feel this way. It is merely feeling that we are going to be OK! Actually, more than OK.

I often find myself wondering why things feel so disorganized and chaotic. Then I remember that we have "doubled" our family in two years! We have gone from being a couple to a family of 4! No wonder I am so tired. The laundry alone has been enough to keep me busy.

Bringing BG home made us complete, but we all went through a lot of big transitions. She was so sick in the beginning that we had a hard time figuring out our new routines. BB also had some issues with adjusting to being a big brother, and learning what preschool was all about. As a Mommy, I was working very hard to figure out how to do meals, bedtime, and public outings with two young children!

BG is healthy and doing wonderfully! She still is on the quiet side, but we are really enjoying her enthusiastic greetings (Hi Mama! Hi Dada!). BB had a great last couple months of school. He loved his new program. We also adjusted his diet, which seemed to make a huge difference in his sleeping and behavior (for the better!).

This week have successfully gone on a few new adventures. My confidence is increasing and I am really feeling that our family has come together.  We have new routines and new ways of doing things. Of course not each day is perfect, but on the whole we are having many more good days than rough days.

We are doing much better than OK!

"I pray I never forget that I became a mother through the broken heart of another. " - Jill Catlett 

Poem

You gave her birth
We'll give her life
You gave her todays
We'll give her tomorrows

You gave her race
We'll give her identity
You gave her heritage
We'll give her future

You gave her possibilities
We'll give her potentials
You gave her up
We'll have to let go

You dream of her future
We'll work hard for your dreams to come true
You gave her hope
We will too.

Tom Fisher -

Flowers From My Baby

Yesterday we attended a birthday party. BB, and most of the other children, went into the woods and picked flowers. He brought me a pile of leaves, vines, and flowers. He told me they were a present.

Later he told me that the green leaves were for BG. The purple ones were for "love" and were for all of us. What a baby......